LIFE IN BALANCE- Making your marriage affair proofAdeshola Ezeokoli
Affairs do not typically fall on to people out of nowhere. They start as stray thoughts that are allowed to blossom unchecked. They start as seeds in the mind. The body will not go where the mind has not been already.
1. Decide that extra marital affairs are NOT an option for you: If you have a lax view of extra marital affairs or you go into marriage thinking, well I it does not work out, I can just…..NO! You cannot just….! Decide, at whatever stage your marriage is at, that you will not cheat on your spouse. Wether you are not yet married, newlywed, married a while, married a long while, it is out of the question. No matter what you have heard before, what your father or mother did, what your friends are doing, make a decision that when rubber meets the road you will not go there. If you have had an affair before, whatever the outcome( forgiveness, divorce, spouse-never-found-out), you do not have to ever have another one, and you can learn from your past mistakes. Make a decision that as from now you will never do it again. Your spouse is not to blame if you CHOOSE to have extramarital affairs.
2. Avoid comparisons:Never compare your spouse to anyone else. More easily said than done? Not really. If you are used to comparing your spouse to other people it may not be easy at first to stop. Here is a helpful tip. When you find yourself trying to compare your spouse to Mr X, remind yourself of your spouses most important positives. The more you do that, the more they will be magnified in your mind, the less you will think of Mr X. Try it and see. Comparisons are not fair because everyone is different and if you find out the truth about the person you are comparing your spouse to, you may be shocked. Comparison also sets you up for failure because you may start to look at this other person with rose-colored spectacles and fantasize about them and potentially fall into a trap, should the circumstances present themselves.
3. Emotional affairs: These are the subtle seeds from which full blown affairs are grown. Watch out when you start baring your soul to another person other than your spouse. Telling another person of the opposite sex your deepest desires, your greatest dreams and visions, things you “never tell anyone else”; your deepest thoughts,is very dangerous ground. Do not yield to the temptation to “find someone who understands”, talk to your husband, talk to your wife. If you think they won’t listen, the solution is not to take your emotional issues outside of your marriage. On the flip side, if your spouse is trying to share something important with you, don’t make it difficult for them by blowing it off, or ridiculing them. You have to be a good listener. That is part of the package of marriage.
4.Location, location, location: Where are you? Do you work late with your delectable female secretary consistently? Do you take your secretary out to lunch? Pastors, do you counsel female church members behind locked doors? Where are you? Are you online after your spouse has gone to bed looking at internet porn? Do you travel a lot for work and not check in with your spouse? Does your spouse always know where are you are?Where are you? Are you where you say you are going to be when you say you are going to be there? The Bible says we are to flee every appearance of evil. The Bible also says we are to flee fornication…..not resist it, flee! Do not put yourself in potentially vulnerable situations and locations.
5. It cannot happen to me: Yes it can. There is a reason that the Bible says pride goes before a fall. Thinking that you are immune from fleshly desires that have haunted man for centuries is just not realistic and makes you naive at best and a vulnerable target at worst. If you realize that you are prone to the same mistakes as everyone else, it will help you take precautions and protect yourself from falling. You will avoid potentially dangerous situations. On the other hand, do not live your life as though every member of the opposite sex is just trying to lure you away from your spouse. Or that every situation is a “trap”.This is not the case. Be sensible.
6. Medicine before death: If you think that you are heading down that path, cry out! Tell your spouse. If you cannot tell your spouse, tell your pastor. Tell someone you respect, and who can talk sense into your head before it is too late! A word of caution when telling a friend. Be careful not to tell people who have a tendency to “verbal diarrhea”. Be careful not to tell someone who will encourage you in your folly. Do not go running to someone who is having affairs himself. Don’t join Ashley Madison when you are having fights with your spouse. Leave the romance novels alone. Leave the porno alone. This is medicine before, not after death.
7. Marital conflict resolution: I may have written about this before. It cannot be over emphasized. Keep communication lines open in your home. If something is a source of repeated conflict, do not avoid it! Keep it “on the table” . You cannot afford to drive your spouse into the arms of another person. On the other hand no one is to blame for another person’s choice to have an affair.
The Bible says do not let the sun go down on your anger. Resentment builds upon unresolved conflict. Do not sweep your marital mess under the proverbial carpet. Deal with it.