MARRIAGE- The “give and take” fallacy 3

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MARRIAGE- The “give and take” fallacy 3

What I call the “give and take” fallacy is the thinking that your spouse has to “just know” what you need without you having to communicate. It is the feeling that your spouse will be always perfect and if they are not, you can withdraw your love. In the concluding part of the write-up I will be talking about not frustrating your spouse and not building things up in your mind. Read on.

1. Do not frustrate your spouse: Yes, we know you are a flawed, imperfect human being, but that does not mean you cannot change. If you are Mr. Slob and you married Miss Neat Freak(you probably would not have married her otherwise), you can make an effort to pick up after yourself, it will not hurt your pride if you pick your wet towel off the bed. If you leave the toilet seat up and your spouse does not like it, make a mental note to start putting it down. If you know your husband does not like beans but you love them, stop serving them to him. When you frustrate your spouse continually, he/she can start to distance him/herself from the frustrating behavior, eventually distancing themselves from you.As you can see, from here walls can start to come up in your marriage and down the line the marriage can break up!
Do not frustrate your spouse by not making an effort to change behaviors that they do not like.

Avoid building things up in your mind: Let me give an example from my own life. My husband came home from work one day, and dropped his keys on the air conditioning unit. No big deal, right ? Here is the backstory. I was a housewife at the time and pretty much all had to do the whole the whole day was clean, cook and try to decorate our home. On that day, I had just put some little curios on the air conditioning unit(because I felt it looked rather bare), to decorate it. When those keys hit the unit, I thought to myself: “Look at that! Not only did he not notice/verbalize the fact that I worked hard to make the house look nice, he threw his keys on my work. He doesn’t even notice anything I do around here. Does he think I am his slave? If he really cared about me he would appreciate what I do around here. If he really loved me and appreciated me, he wouldn’t just toss his keys anywhere, he’s so ungrateful, etc, etc”. Unfortunately or fortunately( 🙂 ) I did not mention this to him but I carried the “he doesn’t love me” phrase in my head and I was angry for days! All that the man did was to put his keys down! Do you see what I mean, friends? Your spouse is not your enemy. Not everything your spouse does or says has a deeper meaning behind it. Do not immediately jump to wrong conclusions over innocuous things.

Well, friends, this concludes the three part series- The “give and take” fallacy. I hope that they helped someone.
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Have a blessed one!


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Comments (12)

  • Derek Reply

    Nice one. Incidentally I haven’t read parts 1 and 2. I’ll take a look asap. Marriage is one place where we would be well served by obeying the new commandment that Jesus gave us: that we love one another as Christ loved us. The more we study that love, the more we experience it. The more we experience it, the more we have in our ‘banks’ to share/give to our spouses. If we have experienced his generousity, it is easy to be generous. If we have received mercy, we have something to draw from when we are offended. God’s grace is available to us to do what we must.

    January 21, 2013 at 6:50 pm
  • topsie Reply

    Welldone Slash! Nice article…..

    January 21, 2013 at 10:40 pm
    • SholaShade Reply

      Thank you my sister, you know you are one of the people I look up to. Please let me know your thoughts on any of these pieces whenever you get the chance.

      January 22, 2013 at 3:30 am
  • Dami o Reply

    I couldn’t find part one. But I did read two and three. Great articles, we do have a tendency to get in our heads and exacerbate scenarios. And so true, about the “if he loved me, I wouldn’t have to tell him” is that any different from, “if he loved me, he would know me, and would do that?”

    February 10, 2013 at 12:50 am
    • SholaShade Reply

      Thank you for your comments. Glad you enjoyed the write-ups.

      February 10, 2013 at 4:17 pm
  • Clyde Reply

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    June 7, 2017 at 8:28 pm
    • Adeshola Ezeokoli Reply

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      June 7, 2017 at 9:01 pm
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